The Art of Letting It Go

There were a lot of things happen in the last 27 years. I said to a friend, “perhaps if I did not have a faith I would end up like the 27 club.” That was why I feel so blessed during these times.

When I was in the early of my 20s, there was one significant contributor in my life. Until now, I could not describe my feeling to that person; was it a crush? Respect? Admire? One thing for sure, that time, I thought it would be fun to spend the rest of my life with someone that urge me to have critical thinking, to read philosophical books and discuss it, to write more, to act more in social movement, to live underground and so on and so on. Well, it’s nice to keep your brain updating days by days, isn’t it? Really?

In my mid 20s when life is getting harder and more realistic, I think I want to have a financial freedom life. Work life balance was pretty much challenging and the office life drained my soul. Thus, I would love to spend the rest of my life with someone that gave less conflict, understood both my jokes and my mood, gave me my love language that I need, and of course with a stable income too. A simple life. But the fact it was much more complex than I predict.

It was so exhausted for a special people like me. Special here refers to people with a traumatic past, people who never love themselves and people with some serious issues. I am really struggling when those people left. It felt like “see, I told you. They just detest you, as much as you do.”

Well, all of us shall get back to reality. Life is not about expectation because most of the time great expectation leads to a great dissapointment. I know, but I just can’t stop expecting, and then blaming myself, then expecting, blaming, repeat. Just like a vicious circle that has no ends.

From the life expectations I had in early 20 and mid 20, I knew that, like a consciousness, expectations are dynamic. What I want for the future could be vary by the time I experience things. The acceptance is probably still far from my current step, but it’s not an impossible thing.

I probably would start by focusing on something I care the most. At the same time, simulatanously, give myself a freedom to enjoy the pain, and give more more more time to let go. I am not in a rush to accept because for me pain is a beautiful feeling too. Let the timeless universe guard the process…

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